Goodbye

There are few things in life that are worse than goodbye. The tears that don't seem to stop flowing, the heart that never stops breaking. My first goodbye, my grandparents, uncles, aunts,  cousins, best friends...and I thought that was as bad as it could get. My second goodbye, my sister. Yeah,  it got way worse!! My third goodbye, the worst of all of these...the forever goodbye of death. Death of little babies that you love...death of people you let into your heart...death of an aunt, grandpa, grandma. Those are hard goodbyes. You never feel like you got to say goodbye.  One day they are there...the next they aren't. My fourth goodbye...and perhaps the hardest of all as a missionary kid, the dreaded goodbye to your parents. Dropped off and left to fly on your own...your safety net thousands of miles away. You learn who you depend on...you learn if your faith is in the one true God or the God of your parents. You learn if your trust is in something you can see or Someone you cannot.
You think these goodbyes will end, but you will soon learn goodbyes never stop. And you learn your heart is guarded and loving with everything is a choice you have to consciously make. You learn that friendship means more to you than most people, because you know the feeling of loss and you've felt it too much!
Your heart can become hard,  you can choose to be angry and feel sorry for yourself or you can choose to find joy in every situation. I will forever remember baby Reuben as a perfect little baby that always came to me when he saw me and how when he died, I saw true joy in such a sad circumstance when his grandma, instead of being angry that her first grandson died when he should not have, chose to sing Just a Closer Walk With Thee at his funeral as a testimony of her faith in a God that never fails. I will forever remember my grandpa calling me shorty and how he loved his whole family with a fierce love. I will forever remember that because of my first goodbye to my parents, I learned to trust God and decided to put all my faith in Him.
The goodbyes are always sad, but the lessons you learn from them are irreplaceable.

Oh God, hear my cry!

Is this normal life? Is this really what you would ask of me?
Is it okay to be sad, mad, guilty?
To be alone, all alone.
To adopt strangers as family?
But sometimes I just want reality.
I don't want a replacement, I want family.
Why must you break my heart for those so far away?
Why do I have a peace inside and tears on my face?
I want to understand this love and at my core I do
But human understanding only goes so far and my logic says,  "enough!".
Help me to lean on You in those time.
Help me to surrender to Your will.
You're love is unflawed, clear and precise.
You are the example I can look to in my brokenness.
I need to look no further than You.
Sending Your Love and perfect plan to a world full of hate
Betrayed, beaten, killed but not dead forever.
You turned your back because of perfect love, how I want that perfect love!
So heal my heart, help me to love those You love.
Fulfill the desires of my heart.
Give me family where no blood is shared.
Give me love where no bond is formed.
Give me peace when sadness is all I feel.
Be my comfort, be my resting place, be my eyes.
Oh God, give me a love that surpasses the ties that bond me.